7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You Might Also Like
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.