When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
This makes total sense…
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.