[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop