*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.