Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sending in my taxes
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
the answer was staring at me all along
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married