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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
how to exercise your calf muscles
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I like to split up my kid鈥檚 orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.