“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am