im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?