On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
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My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.