[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”