I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
SCARY COSTUME
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.