My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I have a type: disappointing
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.