Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Deer are just ballerina dogs
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Saw online –
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.