Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )