ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
#DesignFail
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.