Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Remember folks 😂
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow