Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
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The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Welcome
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil