Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*