It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
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DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*