When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*