imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry