4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.