A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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