Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.