I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.