God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Can’t stop laughing
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”