Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.