I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.