Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
You Might Also Like
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
wow
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are