Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?