Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.