I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.