“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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Geez man, take it easy.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.