I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.