Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
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From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.