[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world