2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay