Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
happy valentine’s day to me
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
*seductively corrects your posture*
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.