The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.