I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You Might Also Like
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.