May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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yea so i messed up lol
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
giddy up Office Depot
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”