if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m going to need a moment here.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.