me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.