everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
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Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.