there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.