My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.