even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
True?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
what does he know…
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep