Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Did…did a minotaur write this
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t