“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
when you are just born a rebel
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]