Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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Reporter: *ports again*
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high